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Humour - 1

The Horse Owner's Medical Guide



AZORTURIA
    (Monday Morning Disease)
A condition brought on by showing horses all weekend.  Symptoms include the feeling of dread at having to get out of bed on Mondays and go to work
COLIC The gastrointestinal result of eating at the food stands at horse shows
COLT What your mare always gives you when you want a filly
CONTRACTED FOOT The involuntary/instant reflex of curling one's toes up right before a horse steps on your foot
CORN Small callus growths formed from the continual wearing of riding boots.
ENDURANCE RIDE The end result when your horse spooks and runs away with you in the woods
FENCES Decorative perimeter structures built to give a horse something to chew on, scratch against and jump over
FOUNDER The discovery of your loose mare some miles from your yard - usually in a flower bed or cornfield.  Used like:  "I found'er!"
GALLOP The customary gait a horse chooses when returning to the yard
GATES Wooded or metal structures built to amuse horses
GROOMING The fine art of brushing the dirt from one's horse and applying it to your own body
HOBBLES Describes the walking gait of a horse owner after their foot has been stepped on by their horse.
HOCK The financial condition that a horse owner goes into
HORSE SHOES Expensive semi-circular projectiles that horses like to throw
LAMENESS The condition of most riders after the first few rides each year:  can be a chronic condition in weekend riders
LEAD ROPE A long apparatus instrumental in the administration of rope burns.  Also used by excited horses to take a handler for a drag
LUNGING A training method a horse uses on its owner with the purpose of making the owner spin in circles - rendering the owner dizzy and light-headed so that they get sick and pass out, so the horse can go back to grazing.
OVER REACHING A descriptive term used to explain the condition of most horse owners' credit cards
RACE What your heart does when you see your vet bill
RASP An abrasive, long, flat metal tool used to remove excess skin from the knuckles
RINGWORMS Spectators who block your view and gather around the rail sides at horse shows
SACKING OUT A condition caused by Sleeping Sickness (see below).  The state of deep sleep a mare owner will be in at the time a mare actually goes into labour and foals
SADDLE An expensive leather contraption manufactured to give the ride a false sense of security.  Comes in many styles, all feature built-in ejector seats.
SADDLE SORE The way the rider's bottom feels the morning after the weekend at a horse show
SLEEPING SICKNESS A disease peculiar to mare owners while waiting for their mares to foal. Caused by nights of lost sleep, symptoms include irritability, red baggy eyes and a zombie-like waking state.  Can last for several weeks
SPLINT An apparatus that can be applied to various body parts of a rider due to the parting of ways of a horse and his passenger
TWISTED GUT The feeling deep inside that most riders get before their classes at a show
VERSATILITY An owner's ability to shovel manure, fix fences and chase down a loose horse all in one afternoon
WHIP MARKS The tell-tale raised welts on the face of a rider - caused when out hacking by the rider directly in front of you letting go of a low hanging branch
YEARLING The age at which all horses completely forget the things you taught them previously
ZOO The typical atmosphere around most yards
   


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